You Are Strong: A Holiday Message to Parents in the Trenches
By Pamela Garfield-Jaeger
The holidays can bring a swirl of emotions: joy, tension, hope, grief, and everything in between. For parents of a trans-identified child, the season can feel especially daunting. You may be preparing for precious time together while also bracing for potential difficulties. I hope to bring you strength and encouragement as you enter this holiday season filled with both love and potential challenges.
As you anticipate the holidays, take a deep breath and remember what you’re grateful for. Your child is coming home; that alone is something to cherish. Gratitude doesn’t erase pain, but it helps you anchor yourself in what is still good and meaningful. Look for the small things: shared laughter, a favorite meal, a glimpse of the child you know and love. Gratitude helps you see that love is still present, even if the connection feels strained.
For me personally, as someone who struggled with a challenging disability for many years and still do to some degree, when I face interpersonal challenges, I always remind myself of how lucky I am that I am no longer in high levels of physical pain. It’s easy for me to ruminate on the years I lost and the people who let me down, but I remain grateful for how far I’ve come and for all the wonderful people who are still in my life.
While you hold gratitude in your heart, it’s also important to honor your grief. Even when you feel deep love, there can be sadness. Maybe you miss the child you remember or the family dynamic you imagined. Perhaps you were looking forward to a particular phase of life, only for it to get overshadowed by gender. Allow yourself to acknowledge that loss, it’s real. You can grieve what was, while still loving who is in front of you. Grief and love can coexist.
If you are feeling dread about the holidays, I’d like to remind you of your strength as a parent. My hope for you is to remember your importance. Being loving and clear doesn’t mean you’re controlling or “mean”. Your child still looks to you, even when he/she pushes against you. In fact, this may be a test, which I know you are up for. Consider what your limits and rules are ahead of time so you remain steady. If other family members are “affirming”, this adds an extra layer of difficulty, but you know in your heart what is right.
The best way to channel your strength is to hold firm boundaries, even when things get shaky. What could that look like? If you don’t want to play the “pronoun game”, then don’t. If Grandma stays in reality and calls your son a man, don’t cover for her, because if it wasn’t antagonistic, she did nothing wrong. You don’t need to walk on eggshells. Clear expectations don’t make you “phobic” or unloving; they make you strong and actually create safety in the family. Children, especially teens and young adults, grow by pushing against strong but caring walls. You don’t need to give up your wisdom to prove your love. In fact, your child needs your wisdom now more than ever. Plus, never forget that no one else can be your child’s mother or father, ever. If you have the temperament that struggles with limits, especially because your child has been professionally trained by online influencers, counselors, teachers, coaches, or even Aunt Susie to push against your rules, remember that limits are not rejection. In fact, they serve as a form of protection and teach everyone what healthy respect looks like. Plus, you know that history will not look kindly on the adults who enabled trans identities.
You are strong, but you also have compassion, understanding, and wisdom. I bet you already spent hours and hours ruminating on what is beneath the surface of your child’s trans identity. As you encounter potential conflict and attempt to communicate, try to keep your child’s underlying pain in mind. If appropriate, and if the conversation calls for it, you could even apologize for past hurts and regrets. Never apologize or cower to demands you aren’t responsible for, but an apology for something genuine can go a long way to take down some walls.
It is important to never take abuse from your child. If your child insults you, lies about you, or tries to manipulate you in any way, it’s okay to say, “No” Or “Stop”, and don’t engage in a debate session. Debates will be futile, and holidays aren’t the time. You deserve peace in your own home. Protecting your emotional safety is part of protecting your family. Modeling self-respect is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child, and your entire family. It shows them that love and accountability go together.
Finally, remember that while this trans issue may be unique in certain ways, the dynamics are similar in other families too. You never know what will happen, and whatever does happen—you can handle it. Remember that disagreements occur in every family, and sometimes conflict can deepen understanding later, or plant seeds. If things do get heated, step back, breathe, and remember, conflict doesn’t define your family, connection does. What matters most is how you recover, by staying calm, modeling maturity, and returning to gratitude.You can hold both truth and tenderness at the same time. You can love your child fiercely while standing strong in your values. The holidays don’t have to be perfect, they just need to be real.
Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker with over 20 years of clinical experience with adults and teens. Pamela has dedicated herself to empower parents and help them recognize the ideologically captured institutions. She is the author of “A Practical Response to Gender Distress: Tips and Tools for Families”, and the children’s book, Froggy Girl, available here.
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