When Kids Say They’re Trans: A Review

At this point, I’ve been researching gender identity for years. So I’m used to reading “trans boys” and thinking “girls,” or “chest masculinization” (breast amputation). I’ve come to see this language as a tether designed to keep the reader on the surface, to prevent any forays into the unknown. The cognitive toll these constant acts of translation take is considerable. Once you’ve picked your way to the end of a sentence, you have to go back to the beginning to figure out what any of it means. 

So when I picked up When Kids Say They’re Trans, I felt something unclench inside me—because the book is first and foremost a compassionate but firm reassertion of reality. Girls are girls, boys are boys, and gender is no exception to what we know about children and adolescents and identity development. With these basics cleared up, it’s possible—finally—to delve deeper. In the process, Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano, and Stella O’Malley tear down many of the false binaries that have (ironically) confounded this issue: 

“So, is your child trans? If you mean does your child have an innate, untestable, inner quality that requires him or her to undergo social or medical transition to survive and thrive, the answer, we believe, is no. On the other hand, your child’s gender-related distress is likely real and acutely felt.” 

As I write this, I realize that that’s something that has been missing, too: on one hand, this, on the other hand, that. Plain language permits nuance that is too often missing from conversations about gender. The authors understand the pull trans identity exerts, something that often baffles parents whose first introduction to the subject is a sudden pronouncement delivered by a distressed teen:  

“There has perhaps never been a more beguiling concept unleashed upon teenagers: to hear, as an uncertain, unhappy adolescent, that you can become someone different, with a new name, a new identity, and nobody will be allowed to refer to your old, loathsome, shame-filled self ever again.” 

“There are a wide variety of reasons for a person to develop gender-related distress, and likewise there are many ways this distress can be alleviated,” the authors write. “We see medical transition as a life strategy that comes with certain costs.” 

Approaching transition as a possible life strategy reopens a space—for parents, kids, and clinicians—to approach distress over gender, its meanings, and the potential pathways forward with curiosity, not rigidity. One question that When Kids Say They’re Trans seeks to answer is: a life strategy for what? What purposes do trans identification and transition serve? The answers Ayad, Marchiano, and O’Malley propose help move the conflict over gender to a different arena where it can hopefully be resolved—by supporting a young person’s healthy attempts to individuate. In other words, “it’s not really about gender.” 
When Kids Say They’re Trans also provides practical steps for parents dealing with a child, adolescent, or young adult’s trans identification and desire for transition—at home, at school, and in therapeutic and healthcare settings. The guidance for parents of young adults—where parents’ ability to intervene is limited—is particularly needed. The authors’ compassion for parents—and the knowledge that parents will be there long after ‘affirming’ guidance counselors and therapists move on—animates the book from beginning to end. During what is a lonely time for so many families,When Kids Say They’re Trans should be a trusted companion.