The Desistance Series – Shelly’s Story

A mother’s account of her adult son disappearing into the trans wilderness, and the long road back home

Desistance is when a person identifies as trans but later desists from that identity without having medicalized, while detransition is when an individual medicalizes and then retreats from their trans identification. Shelly’s story, therefore, is one of detransition.

It began back in 2015. Bruce Jenner had just come out as Caitlin, and trans issues were in the news. Shelly’s son, Sam, had already been experiencing difficulties, including problems with porn use and challenges at college. He was 20 years old when he first told his parents that he identified as trans. They were already worried about him – he had gotten into some trouble at school – but they did not expect any sort of identity issues.

Shelly believes that pornography use led him down this pathway. When he was online, he ended up viewing extreme content, though she had no idea at the time. In hindsight, she feels she should have asked more questions, but having been raised on a farm, she describes herself as a practical type, not inclined to dwell on such issues. At the time, parents were not aware of the extent of the risks online, nor did they imagine how much it could affect their children. The idea that algorithms might feed vulnerable people harmful types of content was far from Shelly’s mind.

Shelly knew that Sam was struggling in college, but because he was over 18, confidentiality issues meant the college shared very little. Sam was highly intelligent, but he did not thrive in college.

The memories of that time differ. Shelly recalls learning about Sam’s trans identification during a conversation in which a third person “outted him.” Sam remembers it differently, but no matter how it happened, there was a moment when he did tell his parents he was trans. Shelly was shocked, but because he was of age, she felt that there was little she could do. In retrospect, the shift into this identity had been gradual, just as his eventual detransition would be.

Sam became a social justice warrior, keen, for example, to join protests on behalf of Native Americans. He would often disappear and was sometimes homeless. Shelly found it very difficult to use his preferred name and pronouns, but it was the only way of locating him during these long absences. Even so, it was difficult. Over the five years of his trans identification, Sam changed his legal name seven times and many more times informally.

During those difficult years, he returned to the family home from time to time, and Shelly worried for him. He lost a significant amount of weight and was “dressing like a woman,” in skirts and ripped-out tights. But his idea of womanhood was highly sexualized and clashed with the reality of the women in his life —Shelly wore only jeans and T-shirts. Sam’s sister found his trans identity awkward, hurtful, and difficult to understand. Their relationship suffered as a result.

Shelly left her full-time job and began working part-time. She took up journaling as a way of coping. She lit candles and prayed, holding onto the hope that one day her son would return to her.

When she searched online for information about trans issues, everything insisted affirmation was the only option, and she began to worry she was losing her mind. It seemed as though everyone believed there was only one way to understand trans. Her friends and co-workers thought she was wrong and assumed they understood her son better than she did. She felt betrayed. Even her church affirmed her vulnerable son’s identity. It seemed to Shelly that strangers she met in passing understood the issue better than her liberal friends and colleagues, who all sang from the same hymn sheet. They assumed being trans was equivalent to being gay, and didn’t think much deeper than that.

During this time, the only detransitioner Shelly came across was Walt Heyer, but it never occurred to her to reach out to him, and she didn’t think Sam would particularly relate to Heyer’s story anyway. She walked on eggshells around him, always afraid of causing further distress. He was unstable and very fragile, coming and going, living off welfare, and sometimes homeless. And yet, through it all, she held onto the belief that he would eventually come back.

It was during the COVID-19 pandemic, five years after he first revealed his trans identity, that Sam medicalized. Shelly isn’t sure how he managed to get the medical appointments during the global lockdown, but he did. He had laser hair removal and procured breast implants. When he spoke about wanting an orchiectomy, Shelly tried to dissuade him, reminding him how he had always wanted children. He went ahead and had the procedure anyway.

Over time, Sam’s transidentification began to fade, but when he tried to undo his medicalization, he was only offered further interventions. For example, when he visited the gender clinic following his orchiectomy, he was offered vaginoplasty “to finish the job off”. Despite the fact that Sam had begun detransitioning, the gender clinics continued to invite him to go in deeper. Why not? After all, everything was paid for by the state.

Then one day in August of 2020, Sam had aged out of the place where he was staying, and he rang his mother. He said, “I think I may have Covid, and I think my housemates will throw me out.” Shelly had long stopped believing that anything would get better, but then it did.

Shelly’s husband had COPD, and she was worried about Sam having COVID, but after waiting for the return of her son for so long, she wasn’t about to turn him away. He was in quarantine at home, but at least everyone was together under one roof. She thought that he might disappear again in time, but then came a notable moment when Sam’s sister asked, “Well, what am I supposed to call him?” and Sam said, “You can call me Sam.”

The process of detransition was slow. Getting the name back was a first step. Painting his room was another moment. Sometimes, Shelly would come across Sam wailing in abject pain over what had happened.

It has been five years since Sam detransitioned, and it is painful for everyone to look back on those difficult times. Things are still not great between Sam and his sister, but they get along okay, better than they once did. The family is still coming to terms with what happened. For instance, Shelly had always dreamed of Sam having a son, but now it will never happen. Sam is often very sad about the “lost years,” when he missed out on what could have been enjoyable times, but he realizes there is still a lot of life left.

During those years out in the wilderness, Shelly told Sam, “You can always come back home.” And finally, one day, he did.

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