The Desistance Series – Sara’s story

Sara’s son Jacob was a gifted, creative boy whose world narrowed during Covid. Then, one evening he handed his parents a letter that would change everything.

Sara’s son, Jacob, adopted a transgender identity when he was in his teens. Just like many ROGD kids, he was labeled gifted at an early age. He was musically talented and very creative; he was precocious. Until about the 5th grade, he was very liked by his peers and teachers, but then he started to display defiant behavior and executive functioning challenges. He was the classic gifted kid getting bored in school and acting out.

Then Covid hit. He retreated into his bedroom. During the COVID lockdowns, he went from being a sociable kid to being reclusive. When the lockdowns lifted, he did not want to re-enter society. His parents struggled to help him reintegrate. By then, his friends had gone through puberty, but he was a late bloomer and felt out of sync with his peers. In 8th grade, he was only interested in his computer, mostly interested in Minecraft and Discord servers. He seemed to remove himself from his family, always wanting instead to chat online.

Sara was very worried about his odd behavior, but she couldn’t figure out what was going on. He was also doing terribly in school. She begged the school to help with what she thought were focus issues, but the school said that he was fine, it was just the fallout of the COVID lockdowns. In 2022, when he was 14 years old, in May of 8th grade, Sara obtained an appointment with his pediatrician to speak about an ADHD diagnosis. However, he said, “Mom, I really don’t think it’s that, I really think it’s something else.” Sara was intrigued and asked him to tell her what it was, and that they should talk about it before they went to the pediatrician. He said that he was really looking forward to talking with the pediatrician. In hindsight, Sara now sees that he was dropping hints all the time.

Jacob had a sister who was 5 years younger, and he went for a walk with her and told her that he was transgender. Then, the day before Mother’s Day, he said to his parents that he really wanted to talk with them that evening. That evening, he handed them a neatly typed letter (that many parents of ROGD kids will be very familiar with), and he ran upstairs to his room.

This is often described as a ‘cookie-cutter’ form letter. He wanted to see his doctor about puberty blockers, and he requested that his parents use she/her pronouns. Sara and her husband were absolutely floored. They really hadn’t seen this coming. They had thought that maybe he would tell them he was gay, or that he was using drugs, or was suicidal or depressed, but this was out of the blue.

The letter seemed very eloquent, with an unrecognizable level of maturity, and Sara now believes he got it off the internet. Upon reading it, Sara started to shake, and her husband turned white. This was 2022, and the parents had heard about the concept of trans kids and believed the misinformation that this was a highly suicidal cohort.

They went up to his room, gave him a hug, and said that they would love to hear more once he was ready to speak about it.

They still had the standing appointment with the pediatrician. She immediately affirmed him and gave them a list of gender-affirmative therapists. Sara now regrets this appointment. The landscape was very different; all she heard was that they had to affirm, but the podcast Gender: A Wider Lens was a lifesaver in her pursuit of rationality. The first few months were the worst, however Sara never bought into the idea that he was trans.

The parents went to therapy, he went to therapy, and his nine-year-old sister also went to therapy as her family became destabilized. The therapist advised the parents to avoid using names, so they didn’t call him Jacob and didn’t call him by a female name. His sister tried to affirm, calling him pretty in a bid to be kind to her big brother.

Jacob used Sara’s make-up and bought the trans Pride flag. However, Sara made sure to help him participate in social situations, and he didn’t come out as trans in some social contexts. Finally, he obtained an ADHD diagnosis.

There was a girl in school who played the role of the cheerleader in his trans identity, and she helped entrench this new identity. Then he went to a new school in 9th grade, and Sara was very motivated that the school would recognize his challenges. Sara was fully upfront with the new school; she got accommodations for his ADHD, and the school counselor agreed not to affirm the female transgender identity.

It wasn’t easy. At the new school he found a new ally, a girl who identified as transgender. There was also a trans ally teacher at the school. His parents were worried and closely monitored the situation. They thought about moving schools, but Jacob wanted to stay, and they believed they should allow him to make this decision.

Jacob now doesn’t talk about trans issues. He now believes that kids should never be allowed to make the decision to medicalize their identity. He speaks intelligently about the politics of this phenomenon, but he never speaks about his own experience.

Some of the actions that helped Jacob were that his parents closed down the Wi-Fi in his bedroom. It was notable and unusual that Jacob didn’t significantly resist this. They never used the female name, and they had a good pediatrician. They also had a good therapist who encouraged him to talk about other aspects of his life, and they got a full psychological evaluation that broadened his perspective. Sara kept full parental control on his online activities. They tracked his usage closely. They also did a lot of family activities together, including hikes and exercise classes, and focused on positivity. They did not tell their extended family about the trans identity, so as not to concretize it. Sara confided in him that she was also a late bloomer. There was a lot of togetherness.

They didn’t have screaming arguments. They didn’t take him makeup shopping. They didn’t confront him in the way that Sara instinctively wanted to. Sara describes herself as controlling, and it was very difficult for her to allow the subject to be avoided. Most of all, they just let him be.

Sara is an open and direct person, and she found it very hard to pussyfoot around the trans issue. These conversations were short, but they were always difficult. They tried to get him to confront the issue, but he resisted all the time. Sara told her close friends as she needed support.

Sara now thinks the undiagnosed ADHD was a significant issue. She also believes she hassled him too much about schoolwork and focus. In hindsight, there had been too many fights about homework.

As time passed, the friendship with the female cheerleader ended. He expanded his friend group. He joined the school band and the sports team. He went through puberty and caught up with his peers.

The summer after 9th grade, 14 months after the announcement, just before he went on an outdoor camp trip, he told his mother he loved her, and it felt like a sign that he was starting to turn a corner, that he was coming back to them.

Every two months, Sara made a hair appointment; she kept these appointments even though he was growing his hair out. Then one day, just before a trip with his peers, he got a boy’s haircut.

One pivotal moment was when Sara found This Book Is Gay under the bed, and she asked him, “Are we done with this?” He was very glad to dump the book. During the almost two years of trans identification, Sara’s husband spiraled into becoming obsessed with trans issues. He lost his job. He didn’t want to go to therapy. This period was catastrophic for their marriage, and what had been a very secure relationship hit a rocky time. He had read too much and listened too much.

Jacob desisted when he was 16, almost two years after coming out as trans, and he began to take on appropriate responsibility, for example, learning how to drive. He is now 18, he has a girlfriend, and is looking forward to college.

Nothing is taken for granted today. Every milestone hits harder. Sara feels happy and excited for the future and intensely relieved.

Would Jacob have desisted had his parents left him to it? Your comments are very appreciated. We would also like to hear from parents who can report what helped and what hindered, in hindsight.

Watch the full conversation with Sara here: