The Desistance Series – Noelle’s Story

“I felt like everyone knew but me. I knew there was a secret but I didn’t know what.” Noelle’s story demonstrates how a mother can know about ROGD and yet her child can still fall down the rabbit hole

When Daisy was 14, living in a liberal state on the west coast of the United States, she was invited by her aunt to Hawaii for her grandfather’s birthday. Noelle felt uneasy about the trip. The emphasis on bathing suits and body-conscious Instagram photos didn’t sit well with her. But it was during Covid lockdown, Daisy’s older sister was enthusiastic about going, and it seemed a pity not to let her. And so Daisy went, with five bathing suits in her suitcase.

Daisy came back from the trip very depressed and didn’t want to interact with Noelle. Time and again, we adults see how beautiful teenage girls are, and so we struggle to understand just how hard it is to compete – and it is a competition – on the stage of female adolescence. Whether it is anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, or gender dysphoria, teenage girls find increasingly inventive ways to reject their developing bodies. In this context, body hatred may be a more accurate descriptor than gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria refers to distress around an inner sense of self, while body hatred refers to a more direct rejection of the body itself.

Although she had made her other children wait until high school, Noelle had gotten Daisy an iPhone when she was younger, at 13 and going into 8th grade. This, in hindsight, became an important factor. They were in Covid lockdown at the time and there was little she could do to keep her off social media.

Daisy developed a tic disorder, a conversion disorder with Tourette’s-like symptoms. A conversion disorder is a condition in which psychological distress is expressed as physical symptoms, such as paralysis, seizures, or tics, without an identifiable neurological cause. Daisy attended a neurologist, a pediatric psychiatrist, and many physicians for her uncontrollable body movements. At one point she was taken by ambulance and hospitalized for a week. It was very frightening for Noelle to later discover that this too was a social contagion, widespread during Covid lockdown.

She was prescribed some medication by the pediatric psychiatrist, with Noelle rejecting other very powerful drugs that had been recommended, which would have led to significant weight gain and lethargy. Noelle’s husband was a physician, and there were many doctors in the family, so they felt confident enough to reject the more powerful medication. Even so, Daisy was set to receive a diagnosis of Tourette’s at this stage.

Daisy’s conversion disorder was soon replaced by Rapid-onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD). She entered 9th grade under a boy’s name. The times have certainly changed compared to the pre-2020 years, as Noelle had already heard of ROGD. She knew about Littman’s paper and had read Abigail Shrier’s book Irreversible Damage. She was wary of the trans-identified kids in Daisy’s circle and concerned about social contagion. There led to a different problem, however, as Noelle was considered a “transphobe” among her family and friends.

Daisy’s dad and the pediatric psychiatrist both knew that she had entered high school under a boy’s name, but they kept this information from Noelle (although her husband hoped she would accidentally stumble across it). The pediatric psychiatrist, who had just come out of residency, was misinformed and said that if they disclosed Daisy’s trans identity to Noelle without Daisy’s explicit permission, Daisy’s risk of suicide would be elevated. This was inaccurate and is a commonly propagated myth.

An elaborate secret was created around Noelle. The word was that she was a “transphobe,” and everyone – her kids, her friends’ kids, even her own friends – knew that Daisy was identifying as a boy and kept this information from Noelle, her mother. Yet Noelle kept receiving emails about “Apache” and wondered who the hell Apache was. When she called the school, the secretary admonished her for using Daisy’s name. It took months for Noelle to piece together what was going on amid a web of lies and subterfuge.

Finally, Daisy finally came out to Noelle and asked her to use her new name and he/him pronouns. Initially Noelle thought she could handle having a “trans kid.” She thought to herself, I can handle this, I can figure this out. Daisy was 14 years old, and her daughter had been secretly socially transitioned for some months by then. It was strange, though, because at home Daisy continued to revert to her female identity, as everyone had become used to maintaining a dual identity during the months they had hidden Daisy’s trans identity from Noelle.

Noelle was fortunate in that her dad was a physician and knew all about trans issues. He had seen the devastating outcomes of the Johns Hopkins studies from the 1970s and had made it his mission to educate people about the harms of medical transition. Noelle’s wider family therefore understood the issue and did not affirm Daisy’s trans identity.

Even though Noelle knew a lot about this issue, she wasn’t informed enough. Her husband arranged to take Daisy to a gender clinic, and Noelle was very relieved. She thought the experts would know better and that this was the best place for her. She didn’t know until her husband explained that the parents had no say and that, at 14, their daughter had complete decision-making capacity according to the clinic. Meanwhile, Daisy thought she could change her chromosomes.

An unacknowledged issue with child-led care is that children have an immature understanding of this complex issue, and clinicians nonetheless treat the child’s immature consent as a version of “informed consent.”

Noelle was warned off the gender clinic by a friend whose child had attended and been dismissed, with parental authority carrying no weight. She contacted people in positions of authority and, a week before the appointment, the clinic’s Director called to complain that a reporter and two Chiefs of Staff had reached out as a result.

Noelle then used a ruse. She posed as a compliant parent, used Daisy’s male name and pronouns, and asked about the clinic’s protocols. She learned that Child Protection Services could be involved if parents did not affirm, and that an endocrinologist was ready to provide puberty blockers for Daisy.

Ultimately, the family avoided the clinic. Noelle’s husband and Daisy accidentally went to the wrong address and never made the appointment. Even so, the pediatric psychiatrist told Noelle that not putting Daisy on testosterone was like ignoring cancer and offered to prescribe it, citing a 42% suicide rate. Noelle challenged this statistic, and rightly so. This often-quoted figure is wrong and yet it has had a powerful influence on vulnerable people across the world. In fact, young people who identify as trans have a suicide rate that is similar to that of most distressed youth, it’s slightly elevated but comparable with ASD, ADHD, depression, anxiety and other challenges in adolescence.

Noelle fired the pediatric psychiatrist when he went on paternity leave and turned to her family pediatrician. Initially he accepted the trans narrative, but Noelle educated him and he agreed not to medically transition Daisy.

She then found a psychologist she trusted, who committed to transparency and to not recommending anything without parental consent, including addressing co-morbidities. Daisy attended for two years.

According to Noelle, Daisy was “never totally committed,” which made it easier to support her. Society made it harder though. She moved to a new school, however mothers who had been Noelle’s friends told others that Daisy was trans and that Noelle was misgendering her. Noelle lost several friends, and Daisy was introduced to trans-identified peers in an attempt to reignite the identity.

The first year of Daisy’s trans identity was the strongest. Meanwhile, Noelle found it impossible to use Daisy’s chosen name:

It was honey and no pronouns for two years.

In the second year, Daisy began the glacially slow process of desistance, though pressure from others continued and she sometimes reverted. The whole period lasted four years.

At one stage, she moved out while still in school and lived with a family that affirmed her trans identity. Daisy visited home regularly but would not say where she was staying, and Noelle was shocked when she discovered they lived just a block away.

Noelle imposed clear boundaries; anxiety was not a reason to miss school, and she refused to use male pronouns. In the end, a cataclysmic event – her father’s serious illness – prompted Daisy’s full desistance. After graduation, Daisy moved to another state, which Noelle believes helped her fully leave the identity behind.

Noelle reflects that this issue can consume a family. Her other children felt overlooked as so much attention was focused on Daisy. Noelle set boundaries, but her husband did not always support them.

She feels a deep sense of grief. She lost her child for four years, and those years cannot be recovered. Daisy is now older, working full-time and paying her own rent. In this discussion, Erin and Noelle speak about the unbearable tension and grief that arise when children identify as trans. It is a long process; boundaries are vital, but they are also exhausting and demanding.

Noelle believes that being objectified on social media played a key role in Daisy’s identification. In the end, it was not affirmation but limits, persistence, and the steady presence of family that made the difference. These stories are rarely neat or linear. They unfold over years, marked by setbacks, doubt, and endurance. And yet, as Daisy’s story shows, a trans identity can loosen its grip, and a way back can emerge.

Watch here:

Genspect’s Beyond Trans service offers free online support spaces for parents of trans-identified children. We also offer support to detransitioners, regretters, and individuals who identify as trans, as well as support meetings for family members and a Directory of Therapists who offer a psychological approach to gender identity. We would really appreciate any donation you can give towards these services:
https://gofund.me/e9f6b49a5