Seeking Refuge in Idiosyncratic Sexual Identities (And Yaoi)

By Eliza Mondegreen

Previous research, while not necessarily seeking to understand causality, documents the prevalence of transgender identities among same-sex attracted youth — e.g., of the original Dutch cohort of 70 adolescents, only two reported a heterosexual orientation. Blanchard and Bailey documented the sexual motivations underlying adult male homosexual transsexual and autogynephilic transsexual identification and transition.

But a new cohort of adolescent and young-adult transitioners appears to be emerging since the mid-2010s that includes females who report heterosexual orientation and describe themselves as feminine or gender-conforming. Further research is needed to understand this new demographic, including in depth investigation of life history, comorbidities, and motivation to transition. But we can glean some information about this group from the online spaces where they congregate.

Let’s talk about “gay trans guys”—formerly known as heterosexual females. Some self-identified “gay trans guys” apply the label“autoandrophilia” to their own experiences, a term that mirrors Ray Blanchard’s concept of “autogynephilia”—love of one’s self as a woman—and, like autogynephilia, is embraced by some trans and detrans community members, while being rejected as pathologizing by others. 

In the subreddits r/ftm, r/ftmover30, and r/ftmmen, I frequently observed posters and commenters express concern about being perceived as female by (typically heterosexual) male partners. 

Take this January 2023 post titled “I really need my partner to see me as male”:

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend a lot. But sometimes it just feels like he doesn’t really see me “as a guy”. As someone who doesn’t look super masculine I often have that problem with friends as well, but with my partner it hurts a lot more. Sometimes he’ll say something like “it’s every dudes dream to wake up and see their girl staring at them”, or things like that.

Also I know “pretty” and “beautiful” aren’t female specific but gosh I really wish he’d not say those two so often. I want to be like “hey, can you call me handsome instead of beautiful sometimes” but it’s just an odd conversation to bring up, not sure exactly how to do it.

Any thoughts on how to bring this up to him? I’m usually good at communicating stuff but with gender related things it’s a lot harder because I feel like he doesn’t quite understand or know what to say/how to help.”

Commenters warn that the original poster’s boyfriend ”still sees you as a woman right now, sorry. Straight guys don’t really care how you ‘identify’ and lots of them have a tomboy fetish, which is why they’ll date FTMs. How does he feel about you potentially being on T and starting to look unmistakably male?” Another responded: 

“Sounds like your boyfriend is in denial about dating a man. He clearly hasn’t internalized that you are in fact a man and not just a masculine woman. I’m not saying he’s transphobic but he’s probably trying to “get past” you being a man because he likes you.

You need to confront him about how he misgenders you and the language he uses for you. But I can tell you right now from experience that deep down he probably doesn’t actually see you as your true gender and it’s probably not going to work in the long run

I’m really sorry. I’ve had to go through something like this myself and I think a lot of us have especially us gay guys. It sucks but it’s worth it to have people in your life who see you for who you really are”

Terminology picks scabs. The boyfriend’s sexual attraction to the original poster raises uncomfortable questions about his own orientation and self-identification. Some commenters refer to the boyfriend as heterosexual/straight (“Straight men aren’t attracted to men”) and warn the original poster that the boyfriend may lose interest as transition progresses. Another commenter observes that “there’s a certain set of straight cis men who take advantage of the potential low self-esteem of trans men to get easy p***y basically. They don’t see us as men and because (the majority of us) don’t have penises it’s still ‘straight’ in their eyes.” Another put it more simply: “Straight men say whatever you want to hear to get laid.” 

Another commenter weighed in: “But why would a straight man date a man tho? Trans or not.. Why do we even accept that? As trans men, getting/staying in relationships with straight men, it doesn’t click.”

Redditors also frequently express frustration that their heterosexual male partners may not view themselves as homosexual men despite being in a relationship with a “gay trans guy.”

For example, this poster expresses the desire to be “a normal cis man” and insecurity over what the poster terms “relationship dysphoria.” The poster also appears to view the boyfriend as a homosexual man “forced… into a pseudo-straight relationship,” despite the boyfriend’s stated preference for female genitalia: 

“My boyfriend is great, he’s perfect, everything I could ever want and more. I get social dysphoria pretty bad, I feel fine until I think about how I act and I feel like I’m way too feminine. I’m codependent, I’m childish, I’m needy, I’m clingy, I’m sensitive, I feel like I forced him into a pseudo-straight relationship sometimes. I know it’s mainly got to do with internalized transphobia but god, what I’d give to just be a normal cis man. He says he prefers what I have genitalia wise (bc it’s quick and efficient lmao), it took a long time for me to start to actually believe he’s attracted to me without a binder & stuff on. I still psych myself out socially a lot. I’m well aware I’m my own worst enemy and I tend to be self destructive because I fear the worst will already be inevitable, I’m really trying to be a better person and be the player 2 my boyfriend deserves.” 

Another post describes how simulating gay male sex can contribute to a sense of feeling like an “imposter as a gay man”:

“I am dealing with gender dysphoria during sex: it’s hard to be connected with my body because my body doesn’t match what I should have if I was a cis man. I wear a t-shirt during sex so my chest is less of a problem but it’s hard to be on the receiving end of intimate action because it makes me more aware of my body, which causes dysphoria.

My husband asks for and offers a lot of suggestions on what he and I can do to be more gender affirming and to make me feel more comfortable (for example, like pretending we are doing anal during intercourse or him doing oral on a strap on). But the problem is I’m also dealing with imposter syndrome. I don’t feel like a man because I don’t pass. I feel like a woman desperately pretending to be a man but failing. Especially when I am actually having sex with a cis man who has all the parts I want. So I get embarrassed at the thought of him pretending my parts are correct or real, despite everything he tries to do to affirm my gender during sex. I also feel like an imposter as a gay man because anal sex and rimming is not a turn on for me, giving or receiving.” 

Other “gay trans guys” specifically seek out homosexual-identified male partners (actual contents may vary). 

For instance, this post recaps a conversation between a self-identified “gay trans guy” and the poster’s “cis gay” boyfriend, in which the poster asked whether the boyfriend would prefer a natal male partner: 

“in a bout of dysphoria i asked my bf (cis gay)“would you rather be with a “real guy?”” and he said “obviously i would, but i’m satisfied with you”. i don’t know what i wanted him to say but this did not make me feel any more secure, why would he be with me when he can (and has) be with guys with giant dicks that can be what he wants? i feel like an inferior and an imposter in my identity and my relationship. any advice/ comment appreciated.”

These experiences also appear on the detransition subreddits, r/detrans and r/actual_detrans, alongside reflections about what attracted detransitioners to previously adopt “gay trans guy” or “gay FTM” identities. For example, a bisexual detransitioner who previously identified as a “gay man” observed

“In my experience, a lot of the ‘gay ftms’ are women and girls who have been raised with a lot of discomfort around their bodies and sexuality. I personally felt weirdly more comfortable with the idea of myself as a gay man than as a straight woman. Thinking of myself as a man allowed me to feel more comfortable with my body and with my sexual desires. Attraction to men felt wrong, despite the fact that I had it. It felt like I was boxing myself into a traditional/heterosexual woman’s gender role that did not resonate with me. I felt objectified and forcibly submissive, just in my own mind, when I pictured myself as a woman. Picturing myself as a man allowed me to accept my attraction to men.”

Other commenters weighed in with their own experiences and theories: 

“Only a theory but I think it’s the allure of being feminine in a way that’s celebrated and seemingly subversive instead of expected and criticized. When men are feminine it’s seen as a statement, and comes from a place of power, whereas women’s femininity is under constant scrutiny. It’s hard to exist even as a gender-conforming woman because no matter what you’re never the “right kind” of woman.

I think a lot of women struggle being just like other girls. They see other women who are feminine and think “but I’m not like her! I’m different!” and fail to realize the same is true for the women they’re comparing themselves to. By claiming a male identity but performing those same roles they get to live the fantasy of “proving” they’re not like the other girls. Their femininity is subversive and intentional through this lens, not the result of social conditioning.”

Members of trans and detrans subreddits specifically point to consumption of “slash” fanfiction that depicts gay male relationships (often as imagined and written by female authors) and “yaoi” anime as contributors to their own “gay FTM” identities or as theories to explain others’ transgender identifications. 

Posts on the FTM subreddits are often remarkably straightforward about the connection between yaoi consumption and transgender identity revelations, such as the Redditor who titled an r/ftm post: “Who else was a straight girl that was into yaoi but is now a gay guy,” observing that “I was super into yaoi when I was younger and I always hated it because I felt like I was fetishizing gay men, no turns out I just am a gay man.” “i’m in this post and i dont like it,” another Redditor responded. 

Across multiple Reddit threads, commenters specifically mention feeling guilty for fetishizing gay male relationships—before coming to the realization that they identified as gay (or bisexual) men: 

  • Funny enough im sure falling down the fucking fujo rabbit hole helped me discover some interesting things. Thought I was a fetishizer too no im just a nerdy ass bi boy
  • Admitting to myself that the reason I love reading mlm [male-loving-male] stories is because it was literally the only way I could experience being a man in a relationship with another man is what started my egg cracking [sparked realization of transgender identity].”
  • Yeah I felt so ashamed of it at the time, even though I know I shouldn’t, because I was “fetishizing gay men” according to some assholes. Even women aren’t necessarily “fetishizing” because obviously women who like men will also like men x2. I could never get into straight romances before and only a select few wlw [woman-loving-woman] romances. I legit could not comprehend a romantic relationship that wasn’t two men and I couldn’t figure out why. Well, guess who’s gay. It’s me. I’m the gay.”
  • When I was in high school I always wished I could be a gay man so I could be in the yaoiz, and for a long time I convinced myself it was a weird sex thing. I even found a word that meant ‘sexual attraction to the idea of having a penis or being a man.’ In college when I figured out I was actually a gay trans guy, it made a lot more sense. I was just so much more interested in imagining myself in a relationship of a man loving another man, because I could never relate to the girls in relationships…”

Detransitioners also discuss the role of yaoi consumption in trans identification: 

  • “I used to identify as a gay trans guy. Later in life, around 26 years old I realised it was from unresolved sexual trauma as a child and weird fetishization of twinky gay guys, especially from my yaoi obsession as a preteen.”
  • “I relate to your struggle, and I’m honestly surprised to see yaoi/shounen ai mentioned because that personally resonates with my story. I was obsessed with yaoi fiction along with a couple friends for around 6 years of public school. We’d write and trade yaoi/shounen ai fanfiction daily, draw and trade nsfw and fluff images daily, etc. I believe it had a lot to do with my personal gender confusion as a child, as I was eventually unable to imagine myself in any relationship as a woman, only as a gay man, from a pretty young age (maybe 12). I haven’t been on this sub for a very long time so maybe this is more common and I’m mistaken?”
  • “I am not surprised at all to hear yaoi played a part, my experience was similar too. Every yaoi fan I follow on tumblr has a gender identity, almost always trans masc. Yaoi is a safe way to explore your attractions and desires without exposure to the violence and misogyny of straight porn/romance fiction. But then people are so quick to shame these girls as creepy and homophobic. The only way for them to be into it in a “non problematic” way is to trans their gender. It’s so hard to find porn and romance that isn’t completely degrading to women, this is where they turn. I too lost the ability to feel lovable as a woman.”

Detransitioners also offer analysis of how guilt over consuming this type of content can push females to identify as “gay trans guys”: 

Now it is only safe to ship yaoi if you are FtM/NB/demiboy/transmasc/boy-aligned, otherwise you are labeled a ‘fujoshi’. Fujoshi is a Japanese word that means “rotten woman”, and Japanese women who consume yaoi voluntarily call themselves fujoshi ironically. Western fandom quickly twisted it into a slur against unapologetic female artists, much like TERF for lesbians. Nowadays if you’re caught writing or drawing gay erotica with she/her pronouns in your Twitter bio, you will be labeled a dirty fujo and digitally lynched… 

… So, to answer your question, I think the current prevalence of transgenders in fandom is due to women feeling too guilty or too scared to be women anymore. These young people legit think to themselves, “oh, I enjoy gay erotica, that must mean I’m gay. otherwise I would be a filthy fujoshi and that would make me a bad person :(“ It’s fucking depressing. I ragequit fandom awhile ago but my sister still participates. She was called out multiple months ago and still has people obsessively stalking her, pretending to befriend her to access her private accounts, and sniffing out all of her hidden side accounts on other websites. Makes me so fucking mad. Idk what it will take to make things change, the state of fandom is dire right now.

Some detransitioners also critique yaoi as a basis for trans identity revelations, describing yaoi as “a genre made by/for ciswomen” that is thus not reflective of actual gay male experiences: 

In reality, Yaoi being a genre made by/for ciswomen, is not very appealing to men even most gay men do not like it for being very idealistic and unrealistic for men (in Japan where Yaoi comes from, gay men have created their own separate genre called Geikomi or Bara that features more beefy or hairy men very un-feminine and often stories deal with homosexuality issues unlike Yaoi). The same for hentai and a huge majority of yuri being made by/for cismen, and not very appealing to cis-lesbians because most are fantasy made for men, like lesbian porn. I have a cis-lesbian friend who even prefers Yaoi man-on-man due to the female-gaze nature of the genre and avoids hentai/yuri genres unless she knows they’re made by/for cis-women. Because so few made-for-women lesbian media exist, she mostly ends up reading Yaoi more. I also have a cis-gay friend who despite he himself is more androgynous-looking, does not really like Yaoi but actually prefers heterosexual or “otokonoko” genre which is primarily made for straight men.”

As alluded to above, fear of fetishizing gay male relationships and fear of being seen as a fetishist appears in FTM subreddits, often accompanying the fear of ‘faking’ trans identity: 

“im so scared im secretly a delusional f*joshi,” one poster titled a post, before providing a timeline of yaoi consumption and onset of dysphoria and trans identification and concluding with an apology for expressing doubts: 

“i used to be one when i was younger, would scream with glee at the idea of gay men, watched yaoi, the whole thing. i was 12. i hit puberty and the dysphoria kicked in (not that you need it to be trans) and over years ive slowly socially transitioned. my dysphoria is less now and i want to be a feminine stereotypical gay man, im worried i just deluded myself into wanting to be a gay man for teh yaoiz [due to yaoi consumption] and im fetishizing my husband and my friends. just needed to get this out, sorry.” 

Other members of r/ftm responded: 

  • “God I really feel this. Makes me feel so messed up about about [sic] being a trans gay man, like I’m just trying to live out my 13 year old’s fantasy. But maybe the reason I was so attracted to it was because I was envious and wanted that for myself, rather than a fetish. And maybe that’s just me trying to make myself feel better about the shit I read as a teen :/”
  • “I heard something similar when I was younger (‘girls who read yaoi are just fetishizing gay men’) and it made me so scared i stopped reading them because I sure as hell didn’t want to fetishize anyone. Turns out I love them because I relate to them and would’ve probably figured out myself faster if I’d just kept reading those. I don’t think it’s possible to delude yourself that thoroughly (as intentional delusion kinda is something you do consciously) if you’re not what you think you are…”
  • “Oh my god same. When I was younger I wouldn’t say I fetishized it, but I was definitely a little too supportive if you know what I mean. I haven’t socially or physically transitioned at all and I feel so guilty for even liking men (which is probably a result of being an ex-misandrist as well). I read mlm [male-loving-male] manga and stuff like that and it makes me feel so guilty. It’s not even porn or anything sexual, but like if I see like a drawing of a cute gay couple and smile, I feel so disgusting.. I don’t know how to handle it. Sorry this was rant-y lol, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.”

Another post seeks “affirmation that I’m not just some girl fetishizing gay men and trying to force myself into spaces I don’t belong in” also reports “I remember I once saw this post or tweet or whatever saying something along the lines of ‘ transmen = girls who have read too much yaoi fan fiction’ which actually hurt my feelings cause when I was 12 I admittedly had a yaoi obsession phase. Tho it was always a sort of ” I relate to this in a different way that I do Yuri and I can’t explain why” cause at the time I didn’t have the words to describe being trans.”

Similarly, in a post titled “I always feel like I’m faking being trans,” a poster expressed the fear of fetishizing gay male relationships alongside the fear of faking transgender identity: 

“This feeling is so annoying and tiring and I don’t know how to stop it. the earliest memories I have of myself is loving to wear dresses and makeup, I used to be really feminine. I was never supervised when I was on the internet so that gave me the freedom to do anything which introduced me to BL [an abbreviation for “asei-eigo construction boys’ love”]/yaoi and I remember that’s when I started to question my gender identity, my wish to be a boy was so bad I would tell myself that in my next life I would be born male and fall in love with another man, later on in life I was really scared of labeling myself as trans because I didn’t know if consuming mlm [male-loving-male] content influenced me into thinking I’m trans when In reality I’m just trying to justify myself for fetishizing mlm relationships… I’m scared that if I do end up transitioning I will regret it and realize I was just lying to myself this whole time trying to justify a wrong act of mine…”

In a post titled “Have I deluded myself into thinking I’m trans?”, the poster reflects on a past “‘yaoi/fujoshi’ phase”: 

“A few years ago, when I was 12-13, I first started really discovering porn and the like (also through tumblr before The Purge [2018, when Tumblr banned pornographic content]). I feel very ashamed about it now, but I had kind of a “yaoi/fujoshi” phase, where I was really into gay porn, specifically manga stuff. I don’t know whether it was really fetishizing, it was kind of an obsession for a few months though. Now I know this will sound ridiculous, but I’ve started to worry that I’ve just deluded myself into believing I’m trans so I can be in a gay relationship.

Another poster, who reports attraction to females (prior to transition) and males (at the time of posting), expressed similar doubts: 

I am worried about my past liking yaoi because my anxiety over the point that I’ve been told ‘You’re just a straight girl attracted to gay guys’ or ‘You just like the idea of being a ‘uwu kawaii’ little gay boy’ (oddly specific phrasing, but yes that’s been used). And it makes me self-conscious about how valid my trans-ness is. I stopped regularly reading yaoi/shounen-ai not a long time ago (2018) and I’ve identified as a trans man in 2017. And lately, only in the past year, I’ve been exploring being feminine again because I felt so restricted with trying to pass as a dudebro manly cis guy for a long while. I want to be a feminine guy. I want to be a cute guy who wears skirts and dresses and just vibe. I’m short and like being treated as cute after telling the people who told me I ‘couldn’t do it until I had the surgery’ to kindly screw off. I’ve also been told ‘If you’re doing that, why not just stay a girl?’ and ‘You wanted to be a guy just because of yaoi’–

I know logically, that’s not the case for me. When I still read yaoi, I saw myself as a demi-girl/genderfluid/genderqueer (it was a time) and I had a girlfriend and was almost exclusively attracted to girls and I was fine with being attracted to girls. And later on, my physical dysphoria’s crap and all that and so of course that changed. I only started identifying as gay for the past year after some more thinking. I am not a cis girl that likes the idea of being a gay man, I am a gay trans guy. I want to be a feminine guy who’s treated like their [sic] cute, but I don’t want infantilized or treated weirdly or seem like I’m just wearing dresses for a man.

And yet, I can’t stop doubting it based on my past. Because it was my first exposure to gay relationships as a curious queer kid. Because of how it ended up affecting me.

And while I’m glad in the end that it somewhat helped me find my identity, I wish I found out in a healthier way so maybe I wouldn’t feel so confused by my doubt.

Here’s what this looks like to me: for some adolescent and young adult heterosexual females, trans identification seems to be a response to deep discomfort with heterosexuality and what heterosexual relationships entail and imply. (This is likely also the case for the apparently emerging cohort of non-homosexual, non-autogynephilic adolescent and young adult males. This subset of male transitioners was not the focus of my research, but journalism based on observation and parent reports, as well as self-reported experiences of male detransitioners suggest similar motivations at work.) 

The concept of “gay trans guys” is difficult  to make sense of unless you understand the online ecosystem in which young people form their transgender identities and grapple with sexual orientation and attraction. Based on other conversations in these communities, my sense is that some of what’s going on here is age-old discomfort with the unequal sexual and reproductive burden on women and girls, but early exposure to hardcore pornography—and thus porn-addled depictions of heterosexual relationships as inherently exploitative, degrading, and even violent—also seems to contribute. Exposure to porn in many cases precedes actual experiences of sexual intimacy. Idiosyncratic sexual identities may appear to offer an exemption from dynamics young people—female or male—want no part in, letting young people who adopt these identities say: That’s not who I am. That’s not what I want. Don’t treat me like that. Don’t see me that way. Don’t make me the woman (or man) in that kind of relationship.

This might also explain some of what’s going on with highly feminine transmen or “transmascs,” who may be looking for a way to say ‘I want to express femininity but don’t sexualize me.’ A recent post on r/ftm—titled ”Male gender identity + female gender expression”–captures this dynamic, with members connecting FTM medical interventions like double mastectomies with renewed opportunities to express femininity in self-presentation (e.g., “I cannot wait until the day when I am confident enough in my masculinity to wear fishnets and eyeliner again lol” or “Can’t wait to wear dresses again after top surgery”).