The Desistance Series – Jennifer and Steve’s Story

How one family held the line for six long years until their daughter finally found her way back

Examining the stories from the Desistance Series shows how often parents experience desistance as a fragile state. They are aware that their child has had challenges to her mental health and are wary of being complacent. They take it seriously. In this case, the process lasted six years, and they have learned to be careful.

In 2019, when Jennifer and Steve’s child, Samantha, declared that she was “non-binary,” she was in 8th grade (roughly 13-14 years old). Jennifer asked what that meant. Samantha said she was neither a boy nor a girl. She was crying, and her parents were nonplussed, reading her declaration as akin to saying she was a tomboy.

Samantha said she needed to see a therapist. They went, and the therapist explained what “non-binary” meant. Jennifer noticed she was expected to understand it immediately, and could see that Samantha wasn’t making any progress, so they ended therapy.

Soon after, Samantha announced she was trans. Jennifer was unimpressed. Some time later, Samantha had an episode and thought she was having a psychotic break. Jennifer kept a cool head and discerned that she did not need to go into an ambulance or to hospital that night. Instead, she lay on the bed beside her.

Nonetheless, Jennifer was worried, and they went to a recommended psychiatrist. The psychiatrist immediately started calling Samantha by a new name and using he/him pronouns. The psychiatrist was insistent that Samantha needed to be affirmed and instructed Jennifer to bring her to the children’s hospital for the medicalization of her identity as soon as possible.

This psychiatrist had spent less than 15 clinical minutes with Samantha, yet was completely confident in her assessment that Samantha needed immediate medicalization. The psychiatrist prescribed an SSRI for Samantha, but she did not react well to it.

Jennifer was unimpressed. It later turned out that the psychiatrist and the therapist often worked together on trans issues. Jennifer believes the psychiatrist should be struck off for her behaviour.

She rang the children’s hospital and cried after the phone call with the gender-affirmative clinician. Nobody was helping.

While all this was going on, Samantha socially transitioned as fast as possible and entered high school with a male name and male pronouns.

After a lot of calling around, Jennifer found a psychiatrist who was skeptical of medicalization. Samantha seemed to improve with the new medication he prescribed. She also attended a gender-critical therapist, although she didn’t like her, so that didn’t get very far.

Jennifer found support through other parents via Our Duty, and this helped her through these dark days. Meanwhile, Steve had always believed the trans identity was a fad. Samantha had never been a tomboy or into sports, so none of it made sense to him. He believed she would come around one day. He never referred to Samantha by her trans name or used he/him pronouns.

Jennifer felt forced to take a different tack. There were two names, as Samantha changed her trans name midway through. Jennifer found a text from a mother who urged Samantha to come and live with her, like a “glitter family” – a pro-trans family who encouraged children of trans-skeptical parents to live with them so they could be affirmed. Jennifer felt forced to use the trans name, as she felt vulnerable. She knew she had been vilified among her mom friends. She was also afraid of child protective services and feared they might remove Samantha from the family, as her parents were not affirming her trans identity.

There were never any arguments about this issue. It was all very calm, yet the trans identity weighed heavily on the household. Jennifer points out that they were strong with Samantha, but they didn’t argue with her. She is grateful they knew not to argue. Instead, they planted seeds and asked questions. They wish clinicians could have led this, but in the end, it fell to them to create a space where Samantha felt able to speak.

At first, Jennifer and Steve didn’t allow the school to call Samantha by her chosen name. But as time passed, they yielded to the school’s repeated requests. They also allowed Samantha to use the male version of the school uniform.

Samantha got a part-time job, and Jennifer believes this helped move her out of her Peter Pan world. Work was real, and it was good for her. Nonetheless, Samantha continued with the trans identity, her fake deep voice, and her adopted persona.

Samantha asked for a binder and was denied permission. But then someone else gave one to her. Jennifer confronted her and said the binder was dangerous. Jennifer tried it on herself (something I recommend every parent does) and expressed shock that anyone would wear such a painful garment. She urged Samantha to learn more, pointing out that she knew more than Samantha at that stage. Eventually, Samantha threw away the binders.

Jennifer and Steve didn’t track Samantha’s phone, although they did check her history. In retrospect, they believe they didn’t do a good job managing her internet use. They regret that they didn’t restrict her access, as Samantha was speaking to adults online about trans issues. Jennifer now recommends that parents take a very firm line on internet use.

In the interview, Erin discusses with Jennifer and Steve how this was the first generation to parent against the internet – none of us were equipped for this. As Erin said, “we had to learn a whole new game.”

Jennifer and Steve continued to plant seeds in Samantha’s mind. Steve is rueful about the permissive parenting that has led so many privileged children toward the trans issue. He points out that parents should never have let children run the show. He remembers how afraid he was of Samantha harming herself. The old trope of “better a trans kid than a dead kid” loomed large in his mind and cast a heavy shadow.

Samantha initially said she was “born in the wrong body,” but Jennifer didn’t accept this. She explained the difference between sex – male and female – and gender – masculine and feminine. Jennifer held her authority and did not allow Samantha to believe she knew more than her parents.

Meanwhile, Samantha veered wildly from “I want to be a frog” to “I want to be a boy.” Her brain was still forming, and she was often immature.

There is a powerful moment in the interview when Jennifer explains how she stated to Samantha baldly, “I own your body until you’re eighteen.” However, when Samantha went to college at 18, she could have accessed hormones and surgical interventions. They monitored her money closely but were aware she could have gone ahead regardless. Luckily, Samantha was the only child identifying as trans in her peer group, and this seems to have protected her from medicalization.

Jennifer believes Samantha was surprised not to find many trans-identified peers in high school. Although she met more non-binary students in college, Jennifer thinks she eventually lost interest, as there wasn’t strong momentum supporting the identity.

As is often the case, the process of desistance was glacial.

Samantha believed she was a gay male, and Jennifer did not shy away from this. They had difficult conversations about sex, including graphic discussions about how two men would have sex. This led Samantha to a deeper understanding of what this would entail. At one point, an older male, who seemed to have a fetish, was due to visit Samantha at college. Jennifer came out strongly. She said, “You’re going to have anal sex and it’s going to hurt like hell.” She spoke openly about lube and sex, pointing out that she would have the same conversation with a gay son.

They also spoke about orgasm. Jennifer was direct. Samantha tried to avoid the conversation, but Jennifer insisted. “Self-service” was required, she said, “you need to figure out what it [an orgasm] is before you lose it.” She also explained that breasts are erogenous zones and that Samantha needed to understand this pleasure before giving them up.

Alongside these conversations, there were lighter moments. They spoke about hair and clothes. Jennifer found Samantha a therapist they both liked, and they focused on self-esteem rather than gender. Samantha and the therapist bonded over thrift shops, something Samantha had always enjoyed.

Then one day, something lovely happened.

Samantha went to a thrift shop with Jennifer and tried on a skirt. Jennifer said, “Oh wow, you look pretty.” It was a meaningful moment. Samantha bought the skirt, and from that point on, she did not return to the trans identity.

In hindsight, Samantha believes she took on a trans identity because she didn’t fit in with other girls. She was the youngest in her class, small for her age, and felt excluded. The boys didn’t like her. There was anorexia in the family, and Jennifer believes the two issues share similarities.

Unlike many others, some of whom went deeper in and others who were pulled further by their peer group. Eventually, six long years later, Samantha came through without medicalization. She is now 20, dating boys, and making up for lost time.

Watch Jennifer and Steve’s interview here: