The Desistance Series – Sophia’s Story

Another study from the Desistance Series – a mother’s account of how her daughter was drawn into an identity spiral, and the drastic steps it took to pull her back out

Sophia is the parent of a 16 year old girl who desisted about a year ago. Initially, she was home-schooled, but then in 2021, when she was 11 years old, they sent her to a fee-paying school. They were living in Britain at the time and this was one of the most expensive day schools in Britain. They had home-schooled her during the pandemic and then chose to spend a lot of money sending her to obtain what they hoped would be a world-class education.

On her first day she came home from school and was bemused that they went around the classroom and everyone had to state their pronouns. She didn’t understand what was going on, but she noticed some of the friends that she had known prior to the pandemic were now identifying as trans. Everyone in the class was asked to state their pronouns. In hindsight, Sophia believes this school was a key influencing factor for her child as they actively encouraged these conversations and questions within the school.

Initially Sophia and her husband were bemused by these stories about identity but it never occurred to them that their “girly-girl” would get caught up in this. They knew the issue was in the national conversation but as a liberal Sophia presumed that of course these trans-identified children needed support and should be helped and obtain whatever resources they needed to thrive.

Even later, their child’s initial declarations of identity did not seem like a serious challenge. Sophia’s child’s friend identified as bisexual. Sophia’s 11 year old then also decided she too was bisexual and this was her girlfriend. Sophia and her husband thought this type of declaration of sexual orientation was premature but they didn’t worry too much.

Her daughter then had a sex education class and she decided that she was asexual. There was rampant social contagion within the school but the school did not say anything to the parents. She then said she was non-binary.

Sophia and her husband were never in the affirmation camp, but they still didn’t know they should be worried. They saw it as the natural curiosity of a developing girl. They didn’t encourage or discourage it.

It wasn’t until her daughter identified as trans and her mood plummeted that Sophia realised this was an insidious scene that required a lot more thought than mindless affirmation. Sophia began to realise that there was a complex situation unfolding that needed careful attention and total commitment.

Nothing super extreme happened immediately although her daughter started to pull away from the girly clothes that she had always loved and wanted to shop in the boy’s department. She wore a binder. She wanted a boy’s haircut and she did away with her girly stuff in her bedroom and replaced it with pride flags. Her interest in rock climbing and tennis fell away and everything became centred on identity.

Sophia allowed her to wear baggy clothes but didn’t let her shop in the boys department. The trouble really kicked off in the 7th grade. Although these books were in the news, Sophia presumed the school library would not be offering inappropriate books however Sophia was disturbed when she found This Book Is Gay in her child’s schoolbag. A teacher had handed this book to her child and told her that this book would be a good resource for her project – she was still 11 years old at the time.

This Book Is Gay is a sexually explicit book written by trans-identified male Juno Dawson. The book opens by explaining that “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is that instruction manual.” It explains how teenagers might have sex with strangers and goes into considerable graphic detail about sexual activities.

Sophia and her husband looked through their daughter’s phone and they found a whole trove of pornography on her phone. Sophia was amazed to discover that Spotify is full of porn and her child was listening to it. There was also a lot of written porn on anime sites. Sophia started to realise that why her daughter had decided to come out as “asexual”.

Sophia went into the school with the explicit material highlighted and sent it to everyone in authority at the school. The teachers were very prepared, all lawyered up as Sophia described it, and they handled Sophia’s complaints with what she believes was a pretence of care. The school pulled the books from the library and carried out what Sophia viewed as a sham investigation. On the last day of the school term the school sent out a communication that they had examined the books and they were happy to reinstate the book, except with a sticker on them now, which made it easier for the children to find. This school was kindergarten through 12th and so very young children would have access to these library books.

Sophia pointed out that although her child was not autistic, nor was she particularly vulnerable at this time, over these years it became clear that her daughter was plummeting. Sophia and her husband were reluctant to face the truth but when she started self-harming and wrote a suicide note they realised they needed to fully confront the issue.

During this time she was following the rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD) script. She was rewriting her history, saying that she had never been a girly girl and had never enjoyed girly things, even though she had all through her childhood. She spoke as if she was in a cult, with scripted language that refused to deviate from the party line. Sophia had been very close to her daughter and was devastated when she pulled away into a script and was unreachable.

Between the summer of 7th and 8th grade Sophia and her husband really started to confront the issue. They put restrictions on the devices but her child got around them within a day, and the school internet was not restricted at all, so it became clear by the beginning of 8th grade that they needed to get her out.

Sophia felt that the UK seemed to be more captured than the USA. They came to the decision that they would have to move, but they were afraid she would run away, and Sophia knew there were a lot of rainbow families in their area. They planned it carefully and pulled her out before the end of school.

By the time Sophia pulled her out of the school, nine of the ten girls in her school friend group were identifying as not a girl.

They decided to take both their children out of school and move out of the UK to the US, where they sought a more conservative community as well as choosing to live among their extended family. Sophia also read Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld’s book Hold On to Your Kids and started to lean in more deeply into her children’s lives. They decided to have a complete family detox from their devices. The whole family detoxed and they were surrounded by their extended family.

Sophia had to learn how to be much more authoritative. She had no interest in being authoritarian, but she realised that she did need to teach her children rules and set boundaries. This was difficult for Sophia as she had to develop a tolerance for being the bad guy and for having her daughter be angry with her.

The withdrawal period off her devices was very difficult. Both her children seemed to act like toddlers without their devices. Sophia’s daughter lashed out significantly. It turned out that she was secretly seeing a counsellor online. She had a binder but Sophia and her husband took the binder away.

They didn’t have much time to figure things out about what to do next. It took a month. They went round and round considering their options, but in the end they moved to a very conservative school in a very conservative area. They questioned the school and asked the administration. They had already ruled out home school co-ops as the buzzwords the home-school coordinators used such as “inclusivity” and “safe spaces” tipped them off. They realised that the majority of religious schools were also captured, just like the home schools.

Although Sophia had always been opposed to Catholic school, they eventually chose a conservative Catholic school which had more traditional values.

Once the internet and the school group fell away and her daughter entered the new school, she seemed to slowly pull away from the trans identity. Sophia told her that she would be thrown out of the school if she identified as trans and she would be forced to home-school, consequently she didn’t identify as trans in the new school.

Sophia pointed out that if the Catholic school followed the Newman Guide, a guide for Catholic schools on how to follow the doctrine of the Church, that the school would be more likely to be reliable and adhere to traditional Catholic values. Erin pointed out that not all the Catholic schools were reliable and that the Jesuits are all in on trans these days.

Sophia’s child is now in a traditional Catholic school and it turned out from the information that the Catholic school provided about grooming that their daughter was being groomed and was traumatised.

Sophia is glad that she never affirmed. She believes that if she had not pulled her out of the school, pulled her off the phone and off the internet, and moved out of the UK, then her child would still identify as trans. This desistance project has been a monumental task and exhausting for everyone, but it was worth it.

Sophia’s daughter does not seem to fully realise what she went through even though she is absolutely thriving now. She has fully desisted and is earning money with a part-time job. Sophia is trepidatious about her child, however, and she is trying to equip her for the college experience as she is concerned about this next phase. The shadow of trans has cast a long shadow and she doesn’t feel fully out of the woods yet.

Watch the interview here: