The Desistance Series – Susan’s Story

A mother holds the line for five years as her son moves through a transgender identity and eventually returns to himself

When people talk about desistance they sometimes imagine a short episode, a phase that passes within months. In reality, for many families the process unfolds over years. Parents must live through long stretches of uncertainty, holding their ground while their child experiments with identities that may or may not last.

Part three of The Desistance Series tells the story of Susan, a mother whose son Brendan identified as transgender throughout most of his teenage years. During that time he grew his hair long, wore make-up, adopted a female name at school, and even lived for a year in a girls’ dormitory at college. All the while, Susan and her husband held to one central boundary – there would be no medical intervention.

Their experience illustrates a pattern many parents recognise. Adolescence brings experimentation, confusion, and sometimes intense identification with new social narratives. What parents often fear most is that these shifting identities will quickly become medicalised and concretised before a young person has time to mature and reflect.

When Brendan was fourteen he told his parents he was gay. It was 2017. Susan and her husband were not surprised and did not treat it as a crisis. They had suspected it might be the case and simply carried on with life as normal.

Brendan was lonely at the time and had recently fallen in with a new group of friends. He spent long hours online. Four months after coming out as gay he sent his parents a message telling them he was transgender and needed estrogen.

There had been earlier signs that something was shifting. He had brought home a book about gender, started painting his fingernails, and spoke more often about identity. Still, the speed of the change startled his parents.

What they did not know at the time was that Brendan had been meeting secretly with the school counsellor at his public school. The meetings were happening several times a day. The counsellor was strongly affirming and encouraged the transgender interpretation of his feelings. Susan and her husband only discovered this later when they looked through their son’s emails.

They immediately told the school counsellor to stop seeing him. Instead they found their own therapist outside the school system. Susan had begun searching online for information and came across 4thWaveNow, Parents of ROGD Kids and the work of Sasha Ayad. Sasha was just beginning her practice and had openings and Brendan began seeing her.

In ninth grade Brendan transferred to a private school. Once again the school counsellor began meeting with him without his parents’ permission. Susan had to intervene again and insist that the meetings stop.

The situation stretched on for years.

For a long time Brendan’s presentation remained relatively restrained. He grew his hair long and painted his fingernails, but he did not dress as a girl until three or four years into the process. Around the same time he began using a different name at school, something his parents only discovered later.

During his senior year he began wearing make-up and more overtly feminine clothes. Throughout this time Susan and her husband remained clear about one boundary. There would be no medical intervention.

Brendan himself was a compliant type and not confrontational. He trusted his parents and their decisions, though he returned periodically to the idea of hormones and puberty blockers whenever he was distressed.

Susan eventually noticed a pattern – the requests for hormones often appeared when he was anxious or overwhelmed.

The five years were extremely tense. Susan and her husband were open about their views and told Brendan they did not believe in transgender theory. They told him he would always be male.

In senior year in high school, Brendan started to dress like a girl and wear make-up. The following year, when he attended the local college, he used a female name and lived in a girls’ dormitory at a local college. Conversations at home became very difficult. Susan’s sister was supportive of the parents and did not accept the transgender explanation, but other members of the extended family were less sympathetic.

Susan describes herself as politically liberal and her husband as conservative with socially liberal values. Their acceptance of Brendan’s homosexuality had never been in doubt. What they struggled with was the idea that he needed medical transition.

The parents never issued a direct ultimatum about paying for college if he pursued hormones, but the message was implied. Again and again they asked him to wait. Again and again he did.

Living in the girls’ dormitory eventually produced its own reality check. Brendan struggled to find his place among the female students. After a year he returned home for the summer and a few days later he told his parents he was no longer transgender.

The change happened quickly. Within weeks he cut his hair and began buying new clothes. He downplayed the years of struggle and asked his parents not to make a big deal about it.

For Susan and her husband, the relief was enormous. Brendan now says he believes he needed to go through the experience. From fourteen to nineteen he felt compelled to explore his identity fully. He does not see those years as negative and believes his parents worried more than they needed to.

Susan sees it differently. She believes several things helped him come through it. The family kept ordinary life going as much as possible. They allowed him to express himself through clothes and appearance. Above all, they held to one principle – wait.

Brendan attended counselling with Sasha Ayad for four years. The heavy lift, as always, fell on the parents, who had to hold steady while their son struggled.

Brendan still lives with his parents and their relationship is close. During those years Susan became a lead for Parents of ROGD Kids, and she says the volunteering helped her endure what was often an exhausting and lonely experience.

Today Brendan is twenty-three. He desisted four years ago. He graduated from college, is open about being a gay man, and has had a boyfriend. For Susan, the outcome confirmed something she held onto throughout those difficult years – that hope, patience, persistence, and a steady refusal to rush a young person into irreversible decisions can make all the difference.

You can watch Susan’s story here: