Nobody Passes as Themselves
A detransition story
By Jude
There is a certain kind of gender transition story that people like to hear. It is a story of childhood hopes and dreams developing into uncertainty in adolescence, only to grow in power and conviction in adulthood. It is another version of the hero’s journey. The hero or heroine goes on a journey of self-discovery. They gather allies, face hardships, and endure challenges, until they ultimately emerge victorious as the true man—or true woman—that they were meant to be.
You will see versions of this transition story everywhere—in novels and memoirs, on TV, in the news. I always knew. This is who I have always been.
Then there is another kind of transition story: A story of doubt, confusion, and despair. If you spend enough time on transgender social media, you will read these stories. The teenager taking estrogen in secret. The stealth trans man who questions his transition but cannot talk to his friends about it. The lonely, depressed boymoder working night shifts. The father of three whose wife is leaving. The person who regrets their top surgery but feels rejected by their own community whenever they try to seek support.
And always there are questions. Is this really who I am? How would I know? Until, finally, Did I make a mistake?
Beneath the façade of the transgender movement, below the apparent idealism, there is another voice. It is a voice of cynicism. It says, you do not know, and you cannot know. Just do whatever. Be a man if you want, be a woman if you want. It does not matter anyway.
I came into the transgender community in 2020 with the idea that I was going to be the “real me” with other people who were also realizing their “true selves.” That seemed like such a noble ambition. Then I met actual trans people. I met people who were traumatized, defended, acting out with two or three different coping mechanisms on any given day. It was not the picture of mental health and wellness that I expected it to be. I saw how the trans community holds up particular people as examples of what transition can or should be. You are supposed to ignore the people who are struggling in obscurity.
I once read a collection of essays titled Nobody Passes1. The book is a series of meditations on public and private identity, the desire for acceptance, and the perils of not fitting in. I liked it, but I was a bit mystified by the title. How can it be true that nobody passes—isn’t it true that some trans people pass, at least some or most of the time? But then I realized that I was asking the wrong question. To “pass” is to be mistaken for something that you are not. A person can never pass as themselves, by definition.
Before my transition, I was scared that I would not pass as female. But once I started taking estrogen, I came to see that eventually, I would pass—and that scared me. It scared me because I did not want to be seen as something that I am not, even if that perception were positive. I realized that if I were given the choice between being disliked for being an effeminate man and being loved as a woman, it would be better for me to be disliked. Then, at least, I would be seen for who I am.
I have not taken estrogen in two years. For many of the people in my life today, the “male” me is the only me that they have ever known. But detransition did not “solve” anything, just like transition never solved anything. I still have more questions. I have heard other detransitioners say similar things about themselves. For gender-expansive people such as myself, detransition is not really an end. It is just a new chapter.
May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be happy. This is a Buddhist prayer I once heard the prayer of loving-kindness. I do not know the way out of our current culture war, but as for me, I will continue to seek the truth, wherever it may be found. Not just the truth of myself, but what is right, true, and just for humanity. We should always be wary of ideological “quick fixes” that do more harm than good. That holds true whether you are in the “gender critical” camp or the “pro transition” camp. There are no easy answers, as they say. There is only the work of showing up, staying engaged, and doing what is right, to the best of one’s current ability and understanding.
I pray for healing for all people who struggle with gender dysphoria. I hope that all transgender and gender expansive people can have support in seeking nonmedical solutions for their gender distress. I pray for an end to toxic, stereotyped gender roles, and for a culture that is more accepting and understanding of gender expansive people. May all souls be at peace. May all souls be happy.
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Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash
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