When Your Serious Doubts Are Just “Intrusive Thoughts”

We’ve talked about imposter syndrome and internalized transphobia before. Let’s take a look at a few more ways members of online trans communities package serious doubts.

“TERF rhetoric” and “intrusive thoughts”

I think I’m a (straight) transmasc, but once in a while I always think things like “what if I don’t want to accept that I’m a lesbian?”, “what if I want the privileges of a man?”, etc. And I don’t know how to erase those thoughts from my mind. Help?

(It’s worth mention that, just five days earlier, she posted to r/asktransgender, wondering “Am I a lesbian or a straight guy?”)

It’s a hundred times easier to accept being a lesbian than being trans. It’s a hundred times easier to live as a cis women than a trans man.

Consider your ‘embodiment goals’:

The question I would be asking, in your place, first of all, is what would make you a straight man or a lesbian.

Would you like to be referred as a lesbian? Would you like being gender non conforming, as a woman loving women?

Would you like to be a man, a boyfriend to a woman? Would you like being gender non conforming, as a man loving women?

If you thought about it, would you like the effect of HRT or gender affirming surgeries for transmasc people?

There isn’t a right answer to these questions. But male privilege, while being real, isn’t something you can buy or a club subscription. It’s something society assigns to you if you are perceived as a correct man.

Don’t worry too much about the “substance of these thoughts.” It’s more productive to just treat them as “literally just intrusive thoughts”:

I saw everyone talking about the substance of these thoughts, and although I do think that can be valuable, I also just think that a lot of these thoughts and insecurities are literally just intrusive thoughts, and learning how to deal with that is very helpful in general imho

those thoughts are meant to mess with your mind and that’s what’s happening. terf rhetoric is abusive garbage that falls apart under any logical scrutiny, but thinking about it like that would be a waste of time and give it too much legitimacy. don’t give it any mental attention, good or bad. acknowledge the thought then send it away.

it’s kind of a meditative approach and it helps me with intrusive thoughts.

If it feels like it’s an intrusive thought, then it’s probably wrong. If it feels like it’s been put there by an overexposure to TERFs and TERF talking points, then it’s probably wrong, and you deserve a break.

Your mental health matters, and you deserve to feel comfortable and secure in yourself.

Personally, one of the hardest parts of the trans experience is finally accepting yourself and your sexuality. It comes from being able to identify these thoughts, yet feel secure enough in yourself to know who you are and recognize them as wrong/old/not helpful patterns of thinking. Battle that internalized fear, search yourself, and recognize what’s under the surface when you’re asking yourself unfair questions like that.

When I started my transition, it felt like I was asking a million questions about myself and had a lot to unlearn about gender and sex. Now I’m much more confident in who I am and I know when my dysphoria or bad thoughts start to kick in that it’s mostly in my head. And that 99% of people mostly just don’t give a shit and want to go about their own day in their own heads. Evaluating your place in society, gender rolls, expectations, and sexuality is TOUGH and scary and takes time to figure out. Sometimes it changes too and that’s okay!!

Just keep going with your transition and the thoughts will (hopefully) go away:

I consider these kind of thoughts as part of dysphoria. By taking the steps that feel right to you, they will be less frequent and hopefully less intense

Shut yourself off from dissonance-inducing sources of information:

what the others have said is very good advice, and its important to know why their beliefs are incorrect if they are affecting you like you say they are.

from experience, the absolute best thing you can do is completely separate yourself from them. (with moderation, obviously. dont lose all connections with everyone) remove yourself from places where terfs run rampant, dont engage in trans media outside of safe communities, for digital stuff run shinigami eyes and make a point to clicking away when seeing a red link.

who surrounds you and who you hear and interact with affects your thinking, good or bad. so surrounding yourself with supportive people and friendly communities is a great way to get the bad thoughts out.

i had this problem too, and i did all measures. stopping using twitter (or blocking all trending stuff by using a minimal theme) was probably the big one lol, and shinigami eyes has helped massively and i dont interact with anything that comes up red. if “doomscrolling” or digital self harm or whatever its known as is something you do, it can be really hard to stop but it needs to happen.

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Here’s another example, from r/ftm:

Red [sic] too much terf and detrans blogs, now I’m afraid I’ll regret top surgery

Hi, I’m 23yo masc enby, on T for 14 months and I have top surgery appointment on 20th Feb this year. I have every document and medical test needed before the surgery (in my case is chest usg and note from my psychiatrists) all that left is paying reservation fee to the clinic (which I have to do in 2 days) and getting bloodwork week before.

But there’s the thing, for last few weeks I’ve been reading a lot of terf blogs and listening to detrans stories and I’m afraid I’ll regret it. Common sentiment in detrans stories is “if you’re not 100% sure you want surgery don’t get it”.

I know I’ve wanted top surgery even before I realised I’m trans,so for over 6-7 years. I have both social and body dysforia but it fluctuates over time, feelings about my chest go from “meh neutral” to “why is it here I don’t want it”. I want to not have to bind every time I leave the house for longer than an hour (I don’t bind if I’m just going for groceries or when I’m at home but that’s because my current chest is around A-B), to swim and be shirtless during the summer, to feel comfortable in my body, to not feel weirded out when I look down and see my chest and to not have to worry and plan around how long I can bind every time I go out or visit friends. I’ve even had dreams in which I had the surgery, each time in the dream my chest didn’t look perfect but despite that I’ve always felt a wave of relief and calm.

But my doubts come from the fact I enjoy my chest during erotic situations (how my partner likes it and sensations from my nipples) but that’s basically all I like about having chest. I know I’ll most likely lose some/all sensation in my chest (my surgery will be modified periareolar, but surgeon said she can’t guarantee I’ll keep nipple sensation) I’m not happy about that but it feels wrong to me to not go through with the surgery just because my erotic life will change. I also sometimes feel guilty about wanting the tit yeet because I have um “perfect chest” (nice shape, symmetrical,perky) I know it looks nice, I’d love it on anyone alse but not on me. So according to detrans people apparently I shouldn’t get top surgery.

I’m at a loss, I basically have till tomorrow to decide. Before I started reading detrans stories I had the attitude of “I will miss this one thing but I still WANT the surgery” and now I’m lost and confused,I feel similar to when I started accepting I’m trans, it feels like my self confidence regressed.

Sorry if it’s hard to read, I’ve tried to sum up my thoughts without making it novel lengt and went back and forth adding sentences

Several things leap out at me from this post, before we even get to the doubts. For one thing, she’s using the cutesy, casual “tit yeet” / “yeet the teets” language that TikTok surgeon Sidhbh Gallagher popularized to talk about a major surgery. She’s worried about losing erotic sensation but says “it feels wrong to me to not go through with the surgery just because my erotic life will change” (this is a great and totally sufficient reason to not go through with an elective surgery).

She also says she wanted to get rid of her breasts before she started identifying as transgender (“so for over 6-7 years”), since she was a teenager. It’s possible discomfort with her breasts is part of what drew her to trans identification, rather than trans identification seeding discomfort with her body. But the steps she’s taken toward transition seem to have made that discomfort worse. Specifically, binding her breasts has made her discomfort worse. She says she wants to “not have to bind every time I leave the house for longer than an hour” and “to not have to worry and plan around how long I can bind every time I go out or visit friends.” The feeling that she needs to bind weighs on her and curbs her social interactions. She’d consider rescheduling the surgery but wants to go shirtless during the summer and the clock is ticking.

In the comments section, she mentions “previous mental and physical health problems,” including depression, “lack of confidence,” “generalised anxiety,” and “undiagnosed autism/adhd (not sure which one, I have mixed symptoms).”

In other words, there’s a lot in what she’s written to suggest her doubts about surgery aren’t baseless—and that “terf and detrans blogs” aren’t to blame.

But what do her fellow Redditors advise?

Don’t let these de trans people make you forget who you are and what you want. If you see any more of that shit, just don’t read it. It’s not good for our mental health. You aren’t crazy and you deserve to be happy.

This is by far the most reasonable response:

Detrans people are often going to see any doubt as a red flag because maybe for them, it was. Trans people are often going to feel that some amount of anxiety and doubt is common, because for them it was, and their outcome was positive. I think that doubts are definitely worth examining, and it’s okay if you don’t feel ready to make a final decision. But weighing out whether it’s worth it is a really personal process, and I don’t think it’s always realistic to feel 100% certain and anxiety-free (and if you do, that’s not a guarantee that your feelings won’t change). It really comes down to weighing your priorities and whether you’re prepared to accept the outcome.

Even if you have lingering doubts after surgery, you won’t have to worry about your breasts anymore:

… I didn’t know how much brain power my chest took up daily until I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I wake up and don’t have the brain “ick” of them flopping around as I get out of bed, don’t have to plan work outfits around how I can hide them, don’t have the constant, back-of-my-mind worry about if others can see them when I’m just going about my day. And having that weight lifted off my mind has been so incredibly helpful and healing; it is what grounds me in knowing that it was the right decision whenever I still have lingering doubts.

Who needs erotic sensation when you have ‘gender pleasure’?

How much of your life is sex, and of that percentage, how much of sex involves your chest?

Is it possible you would enjoy the visual and physical sensations of having sex with a flat chest, even if your nipples no longer have erotic sensation?

If it turns out you are disappointed with not having erotic sensation (and sensation can take 3-5 years or more to come back, so not having it at 6 months-a year is not the end of it), is that something you would be able to work to accept and live with? Would living the other parts of your life with a flat chest be enough compensation?

Maybe you can get “fake breasts” if you change your mind later:

if you want breasts you can get fake breasts and put them in a bra. but if overall you are neutral to adverse of having breasts then id say top surgery is probs a good choice for you.

I mean just do it, you’ll eliminate risk of breast cancer at the same time and boobs are mostly annoying to have anyway. Plenty of options for faking or getting them back if you change your mind.

Maybe you can date someone with breasts if you’re such a big fan?

If your partner doesn’t like your real [sic] body you’re with the wrong person. And if it’s about you it’s not rare to try to find excuses or anything good having breasts/tits/boobs. Oh, your boobs are in fashion now? Well, are they still yours? You can date people with similar tits.

Don’t listen to “TERF sites” because doing so is a form of self-harm (unlike breast amputation):

I think you looking at those TERF sites is self-harm and you should stop.

Don’t listen to detransitioners because “at some point [detransitioners are] going to convince someone not to get a procedure that would’ve saved a life”:

I wasn’t sure when I got my surgery. I’m so incredibly glad I did. I sleep better. I am more at peace and in my body more. I don’t regret it at all. It’s been four years. I was at serious risk of the unalive before my surgery and my surgery changed that. Detransitioners are sometimes fake altogether and at best speaking from their own experiences and regret alone. They’re not considering how for some people surgery is a life saving procedure. Their advice is dangerous to the trans community at large. At some point they’re going to convince someone not to get a procedure that would’ve saved a life.