Sex, Lies and the Puberty Blocker Trial
By Luke O'Reilly Kane
Luke O’Reilly Kane reflects on the impact of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones on her already delayed development, her experiences with medical transition and detransition, and the challenges of a very late sexual and emotional awakening.
I was developmentally delayed by about four years, but physically I was the opposite: bras at seven, first period at nine. Trans groups always say blockers are for “precocious puberty.” If my parents had known about them back then, would someone have put me on the same drugs? Thank God they didn’t.
Crushed
From about age seventeen, I had these crushes on girls, but it was never sexual: “She looks pretty, I like hanging out with her, she has nice hair, she’s cool to talk to.” Zero interest in sex or dating. Actually, I was doing everything I could to avoid it.
At twenty-one, after years on testosterone, I still had zero libido, which everyone says is the one thing T always does. I asked the doctor,
“Could this just be my delayed development?”
He said no, there might be “some estrogen sneaking in,” so we’d just raise the T dose.
Six months later, same problem: dose up again.
Another six months, age twenty-two, and finally, the gender clinic endocrinologist hands me puberty blockers.
I asked, “Won’t this mess with my already delayed development?”
“No,” he says. “Testosterone is your dominant hormone now. The blocker stops any leftover estrogen from getting through.”
I took them for nine months. They did nothing literally. I quit them myself, then, three months later, quit testosterone altogether after I tested genetically positive for hemochromatosis (a condition where your body stores too much iron and it builds up in organs and joints). I’d read that regular blood loss through periods is one of the main ways women naturally keep their iron levels safe, so I thought having my cycle back would be the simplest way to manage it. If the dysphoria got too much, I could always restart T. My broken voice and facial hair already gave me some confidence that there was nothing to worry about coming off testosterone. I could manage the fat redistribution with clothes as I did before T.
Three weeks after my natural estrogen returned, I finally knew what a libido was.
Awakening into Adulthood
Everyone says twenty-five is when adolescence ends. For me, twenty-six was when it finally started. Puberty at twenty-seven or twenty-eight is terrifying. The self-consciousness is brutal. At work, I’m constantly thinking I’m going to make a mistake so that someone trips, sues the company, and it will be my fault. In school, you just got told off or lost marks. Now the stakes feel life-ruining. Other twenty-seven-year-olds have been proper adults for years.
My manager says I’m a good worker, and perhaps in a few months I could become a supervisor. Part of me wants to climb higher and earn more, but I would also be responsible for ensuring that others don’t get into trouble. I’ve been working for over 7 years now. Have I done anything wrong?
Weirdly, this late sexual awakening is the first thing that’s ever made me want actually to live as my sex. I suddenly need to be attractive to the people I’m attracted to: women who like women. No amount of therapy, no counsellor, no TRA, no TERF ever gave me that. Both sides mostly gave me reasons to stay transitioned. Now I have a sense that’s bigger than ideology: I want a girlfriend.
Sex-ed in School and Youth Groups: Where Joy Goes to Die
Between eleven and nineteen, I heard way too much sex talk from adults: pregnancy, BDSM, kink, sex work, “different types of pleasure,” bodily fluids, all of it. It felt gross and wrong. There’s something seriously off about adults discussing that stuff in detail with kids and young teens. Basic biology would have been fine. The rest I wish I’d only ever talked about with my mum, at home, when I was actually ready. I wrote before: “You who gave me purpose to transition are the same ones who finally gave me purpose to leave it.”
Now I’m twenty-eight going on nineteen and terrified of hurting someone or doing life wrong. The feminists who scared me years ago—men and women both—they’re still in my head. All their talk of assault and abuse froze me in transition for years. After this massive late awakening, part of me wants to check out of the whole conversation forever.
Learn more about Luke’s story here.
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Image: Trapped on the outside: photo by Eric Goverde
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